Date: 12th August 2013
Characters: Myself, Maximus Moanus, Beelzebub, Mum, Dad, memebers of general public, workers in the Customer Service Industry.
Settings: Princes Mall and Waverley Station, Edinburgh,
Not satisfied by taking your money for food the mall charge each individual for using their toilets. Now call me a Fuddy Duddy but I think on principle that is unfair. There are no other toilets in the whole building and being with children and a martyr to my bladder we generally know the location of all public toilets within a 3 mile radius. So as we all needed before eating I tracked down a member of staff who informed me that if with kids we could use the disabled toilet. What then occurred would have made Larry David blush.
As we took our place behind a boy in a wheelchair we were then followed by a woman and her dwarf daughter. I started to feel unnerved as I felt the woman staring at me with a ” which one of them is disabled?”, if you count on the verge of a nervous breakdown disabled then I’m your gal! Then Maximus Moanus with a bellowing voice said ” If anyone asks mummy just say I’m your dwarf son!”. I could feel the woman’s stare penetrating my very soul so I decided to bloody well pay the 20p each. I gave Beelzebub 20p and she went through the turnstile. I gave Moanus 20p and he went through the turnstile. I put my 20p in and the turnstile wouldn’t budge. There were people everywhere, the kids were shouting at me, I had no more money and there was no staff member in sight. At that point the overdose of gamma rays in my system took over and on came the personality change. Having to move further away from the kids in a crowded chaotic area I bellowed ” Who is in charge here?” to which some guy at a coffee point indicated to a cleaner some distance away. I shouted to the kids to stay still and negotiated my way through the tightly packed tables full of the cast of Jeremy Kyle munching on various forms of reformed “meat”.
I made contact with the cleaner who then pointed to another person some 10 feet further away. Once I reached him and well shall we say explained in a terse tone what had happened he took me over to the toilets where Moanus had decided to exit through the out turnstile and was now back on other side. Some 5 minutes later after explaining that my son had paid his money and had not yet used their fecking facilities the staff member let us both through. Once in the ladies toilet with Beelzebub the sinks ran wall to wall. I counted 8 in total. We went to a central sink and wet our hands only to find out that there were only 2 soap dispensers. Where? Yes of course. One at each wall end. The 2 hand dryers set so low on the wall the dwarf girl behind us would have needed to go on tip toe. The ergonomic genius who designed that toilet should be “knighted” or at least heat blasted in the face at point blank range with one of the illogically positioned dryers.
Leaving with the kids ( cause I couldn’t leave them of course) we decided to go to surprise my Mum and Dad who were due to return from their trip to York. Well at least that was the plan but with those two anything could happen e.g. Having inadvertently joined a cult they were on their way in a camper van to Cornwall to be swindled out of their pensions or one had got on a train going east the other a train going west? You get the general idea. Before that though we needed food and ended up in the salubrious Burger King where we got kids meals. Yes 3 kids meals because then I could get a toy and I felt I deserved a freebie. So we joined the cast of Jeremy Kyle and made an expected mess of smeared ketchup, squashed fries in hair and to top it off Moanus executed a spectacular dropping of a cup of coke all over my dress. Ripper!
once in the station we located the platform my folks train was coming in at but to be honest it would have been easier locating platform 9 3/4. They eventually alighted, “oohed” and “aahed” with surprise and then the words came. Yes friends what do you think my mothers first words were?
“Hi dear, how much am I owe you for the meringues?”
I was rendered speechless!