My Angelic April: Day 5

09:30 – Me and the kids just waking up. Correction Maximus has been awake since 07:20 which is approximately 1.5 hours later than his usual rise time. So positive sleep result all round. Have to say that I have noticed past couple of days that I feel more rested upon waking and am dreaming more intensely. Could this be the result of no alcoholic in my system? You think
you sleep deeply even after one or two but truth is you don’t. We’ve all had that fitful alcohol sleep of passing out quickly but waking up regularly, thirsty, restless, fed up and sometimes at the crack of dawn even though you only went to bed three hours ago. So all in all a good start to the day. Breakfast prepared, kids relatively calm and Corrie double bill ready to go. Today I have a newly found optimism after the last two days of feeling a bit all over the place and feeling by not having a drink that I was almost losing a part of myself. Lunacy! By embracing my new clear head and determination I am focussing on other things. Well for today at least. I mustn’t look ahead for I do not know what’s there and if I saw it I may stop living for the here and now. I can allow myself to look back but to try and celebrate my successes and embrace my mistakes and personal failures because they can’t be changed so why worry about them now. Each minute that passes where I am in myself is what I must try to focus on. Christ! I’ll be hugging a tree next! I am enjoying my new drive in writing this blog. It may be a load of old tosh to most but it is useful for me in terms of understanding the day to day life events that I and thousands of others are faced with but not using my crutch of alcohol to help soothe it when really all it does most of the time is exacerbate it for me anyway. This is in no way a reflection on everyone else’s drinking habits. Only mine. The three of us are due at my mum and dads for lunch later which will no doubt give me some blog material. Sheesh!!

13:32 – We arrive on foot at mum and dads. I say on foot not to conjure up the idea that we had just circumnavigated the globe but might as well have done. After timing it, checking the LRT bus app FOUR times we left the house to see the bus sail ( not literally that would be a. Impossible b. total madness and c. last time I checked Duddingston Road was not a river) past us FIVE MINUTES EARLY!! This is a personal gripe of mine along with people that hand your change back all in one go on top of receipt and any paper notes so that the loose change falls off onto the floor, into the polo mint rack or worse under the counter never to be seen again and that interminable phrase ” I say it how it is”… Grrr you mean you’re opinionated and it’s only your opinion that counts?! Or people that whistle. Just that whistle loudly next to you just for the hell of it. Ohm!!! Anyway the bus being early could have induce a twinge in the gut and create the desire to knock back a shot but it didn’t. Hoorah! Although I’m thinking about it now so maybe subliminally the desire was there… I think I’m confusing myself now or not congratulating myself on a positive. It’s so easy to only see the negative. Back to the missed bus and Maximus Moanus was in fine fettle scuffing his feet, whimpering, making outrageously over the top statements like , ‘this is the worst day ever!’. I don’t know. Anyway we get there. All fine. Everyone happy. I then mention that I had started a blog. My dad looked nonplus ( which is the norm I might add) and said, ‘ Eh? A blog?’ I said that’s right. Do you know what a blog is to which he replied, ‘ well it’s a mistake’. I gave him a withering look and sipped my milk thistle tea.

19:23 – Back home. Kids tucking into dinner. Saturday night is DVD night and usually a drinking one for me. Usually by the time the kids have ripped themselves apart arguing over which film to watch and eaten their own body weight in sweets I would have already commenced my journey into “tipsy land”. Not this Saturday. I’m having a coffee and making a start on the knitting. After purchasing chunky needles and a crochet hook for Beelzebub I have nabbed them and am knitting like I’m driving that bloody big bus in the film “Speed”. Tongue out, eyes out on stalks, leg up on dashboard ( that’s a lie), determined, driven face. I will knit that Barbie doll scarf. I will!

21:34 – DVD finished. Kids shackled and down to sleep. Me about to have a cuppa and a square of chocolate. Oh what the hell! It’s Saturday. Think I’ll crack open the box of twister ice lollies. I have to admit I’m feeling proud of myself. Pride isn’t a quality I feel easy with. My Nana was a hugely proud woman to the point of boastfulness and an ego the size of Egypt which is also a trait I find uncomfortable so maybe that’s where it stems from? I also can find compliments painful and always have to bat them away maybe because I see accepting them as pride and boastfulness. Hmmm… Interesting. Clear thinking again. Mini challenge: Next time I receive a compliment I will reply with, ‘ thank you’ not pull a funny face, immediately return the compliment then try to crack a funny.
So day five is almost finished and not a drop of alcohol has touched my lips. Woohoo!

22:56- Ten minutes ago I attempted retiring for the evening but as I was turning out the lights I heard it. The heavy breathing snorting sound of Beelzebub. There in the darkness of the hall she stood. Hair over her face, nighty on, toes turn inwards, snuffling like a little piggy whilst she sucked her thumb. It was like a cross between The Grudge and The Exorcist and I have to admit she gave me the heebie jeebies. I inquired if she needed the toilet. She nodded accompanied with heavy breathing. On you go then sweetheart I said nervously. Mummy’s just putting the lights out. I watched her go into the bathroom and after a minute or so the toilet flushed and the taps went on. I walked into the hall where she appeared from the bathroom still sucking her thumb, hair over face and snuffling. I took her back to bed and wondered how she had freed herself from the shackles ( clearly amusing myself with that bit), kissed her goodnight and left the room. I then went to the bathroom to see to my ablutions. I washed and moisturised my face. I brushed my teeth. I hung a dropped towel up. I closed the shower screen. I went to the toilet and sat down on a toilet seat covered in PISS!!!!!

Nighty night.


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