My Angelic April: Day 7

09:52 – How the hell did this happen? Cannot remember the last time I slept this late. My hope of a rejuvenating and energy inducing slumber have resulted in a groggy, grumpy, crabbit face who feels like someone has had a good go at her head with a hammer. Euegh!!! If I had drank my own body weight in tequila last night I could understand. Well I suppose I wouldn’t understand cause I’d be dead. Now there’s a cheery thought to wake up to. Come on Laverne. It’s day 7!!! One whole week!! Woohoo! It’s time to get up, get your gownie on, shuffle through to kitchen and make one of those delectable drinks you love so much.

10:34 – I’ve been waiting on it cooling down for 25 minutes. *takes a sip* Nope it’s still hotter than the sun. Maybe it’s the china retaining the heat. Maybe I should put in one of the kids plastic tumblers or possibly a bloody beaker with measuring lines would suit it more.

10:46 – Right here goes. Down the hatch. * shudders, shivers and shakes and drinks it in one go* I’ve decided I’ve tried the detox tea for a week but I think I’ll move onto purifying tea for next week. Maybe some ale hoof and bloodroot will be more appealing. Don’t make me laugh!!!

13:30 – Nice catch up with my good friend Mark. He commented that he thought I look fresher in the face which put a spring in my step. Maybe this is showing on me physically now. It also had me thinking that if abstaining from alcohol is inducing a physical change after a week that my steady low level alcohol self was actually more of a concern than I really would have cared to admit to? Negative again!! I should take the positive statement and enjoy it and yes I do feel brighter, more energised and have a desire and commitment to carry this forward. After our lunch with included the most delectable fish pie we walked a while, said our goodbyes and parted company. As I was walking along the road I had a twinge of, ‘I need a drink’. I stopped and tried to work out was was happening in me to make me feel that. Was it that I would be heading home soon and I sometimes associated this with having wine or was it something else? A smell in the air that provoked an associative alcohol memory? A subconscious anxiety induced by a mutual connection that had been referred to? The idea that I knew I had to take an Argos order over the phone from my hard of hearing mum and the idea brought me out in hives? Who knows? But by stopping and thinking it through and checking in with myself the need for alcohol passed. I had felt it, I had acknowledged it and I had discarded it. Well done me!

19:25 – Just nipped over to Tesco and bought some green tea to start my day. That’ll be better with a squeeze of lemon surely? Bet it still looks like a sample though. The knitting is coming along…

10:35 – Time for bed methinks. Quite an insightful day. A difficulty I have always had in my life is change.I have always felt like I am the one required to do the changing whilst others remain as they are. Now that could come from many things – moving house and schools endlessly as a child, having a domineering grandmother who never apologised for anything when she should have done or that my mother hung my Saturday clothes outside the wardrobe one week in advance but I have this overwhelming sense of injustice and wanting to fix it for what I believe to be fair not only for me but for others. Thing is life isn’t always fair, it can disappoint you hugely and yes you can’t change people. They have to want to change themselves and that requires work and self evaluation and no amount of tying myself up in knots will help undo it. So me creating change in a way that promotes positivity in me and protects me from something I feel is unjust doesn’t need to be seen as a martyrdom or personal demon but a success. I have the control to distance myself from something or someone who makes me feel unhappy. I have the perception to understand what is right for me and to listen to my inner voice. Through understanding, experience and self evaluation I can work on developing the capacity to recognise when my behaviour could be detrimental to another. That requires honesty, strength and courage to look deep within you and recognise the flaws and your impact on others. Some people for whatever reasons will never be ready to do that. I have the insight to remove myself from a negative relationship or connection whether it be with a person or alcohol if all it brings is negative thinking. I am empowering myself by changing patterns. That’s it! I’m not changing who I am. I am changing the pathway to finding me.

Nighty night x

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