My Angelic April: Day 12

07:05 – What is it with the weekend that I am awake earlier than any other time? Maximus has always been an early riser since he was born. He enjoys his alone time watching his shows, having a play on the wii, sorting out his footie cards, raiding the food cupboards but he appreciates that not everyone else likes being up at that time and therefore pops his head in to say “hello” and ” I love you” but then happily goes off to do his thing for an hour or so. Beelzebub on the other hand usually always sleeps late. After staying up way later than she should have done it almost seems that a nuclear holocaust or at least a cattle prod would not make her stir but the last two mornings have been different. She appeared at the afore mentioned time in her usual way. Hair like that girl out The Grudge, toes turned inwards, thumb in mouth attached to a hand and it’s partner almost completely covering her face except for one eye peeping through fingers and matted hair accompanied with snuffling snorting sounds. I lift my head off the pillow, clap my half shut eyes on her, quickly check time on clock and my heart sinks. Noooooo!!!! I refuse to get up on a Saturday just short of 7 am! I ask her if she would go back to bed with which the head with hands still in place over face shake violently left- right, left- right, left- right. Feck!!! There’s only one thing for it.

‘Do you want to get in beside mummy?’

Up- down, up- down go the head and hands.

I signal to her by pulling the duvet back and she climbs in marking her territory by spreading herself out as much as possible. Now to make you readers understand my displeasure at this I will have to disclose that I have a single bed. It’s a very lovely sumptuous bed but never the less it is a single. I lasted 20 minutes and was forced to get up. Beelzebub arose at 09:05. Grrr……

22:35 – So the day was pretty good really. Beelzebub had a play afternoon at a pals so Maximus and I went down to my mum and dads for the afternoon where another cousin and my aunt were visiting too. Just an average time really- Maximus sprained an ankle, the dogs incessant high pitched barking had me fantasising of performing a drop kick, my mum answering the question before EVERY TIME!

So now we are home, had dinner and the kids are tucked up in bed ( after mediating the swap negotiations of top/bottom bunk as Maximus couldn’t manage the ladder!) it’s time for my evening ritual of a cup of Earl Grey and a square of dark chocolate.

The film ‘Eternal Sunshine on the Spotless Mind’ keeps popping into my head today along with the desire for a drink and some other stuff ( see Day 11’s 80’s track list) that I could really do without in my head space. On and off today I’ve yearned for alcohol. I think it’s because I’m getting complacent. Hey I’ve done 12 days so I’ve proved I can stop drinking so surely I can just go back to it now? When I think that I get a feeling like a black cloud is passing over me. I think what I’m worried about is the if and when I do start drinking again. I’m ok at abstaining thats the all or nothing thing with me but moderation… It fills me with angst. I’m not sure I can drink moderately but why? Is it the fact I’m actually addicted? Is it a defeatist attitude brought on by years of undermining when a teenager? Is it the memory of my relationship with alcohol that I emotionally submit to, that I will resume the habit because it’s all I know? This brings me to the film. I remember being affected by it greatly. Imagine being able to have something removed from your mind so that you have no recollection of it. You start a fresh. If it were possible what would I have removed? Well there are certainly one or two people whose existence I would be delighted to have removed from my consciousness but could the same be possible with a habit or addiction? You can be addicted to people I suppose. Yet in the film even though they have had each other and all their shared history removed from their minds they still find a way to be together through it all. They were meant to be. If I had my history of drinking removed from my memory could I start a fresh untainted healthy relationship with alcohol or would my subconscious find a way to trace a moment in time that would trigger a memory, recollection or pleasure from it that would start the journey of rekindling the old connection? Bloody hell! I’m not big on the old “late night light thought”!

I shall sleep on it and see what my subconscious shows me.

Nighty night x

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