My Angelic April: Day 16

After a late night I awoke at 09:45. Very late for me. For those of you who know me you will understand when I say I felt like someone had punched me in the left side of my face. Most likely me after I bored myself to sleep with my incessant chattering. Yup I did some talking yesterday and munched on a chicken breast burger in the Wetherspoons curtesy of my friend Louisa and am now I’m paying for it. Temperomandibular Jaw Dysfunction is no joke!

Went into town to purchase some more birthday presents for Beelzebub. It’s her birthday this Sunday which happens to also be Easter Sunday. Pointless fact but there you go.

As the day went on I found myself falling into a weird head space. I felt on edge, emotional, needy and Jesu my jaw was hurting. After yesterday’s happy feeling today was turning out to be the polar opposite. Sitting on the bus heading back home laden with a battery operated talking pony, bag of age 7 balloons with matching badge, a battery operated fairy that actually flies with the power of it’s equally batteried up wand ( bet it either never works or it’ll break by tea time) and a tub of glupe I witnessed something that made me feel very strange. A young mum sitting with her young son and baby girl in a buggy. The woman’s body language and verbal responses to the baby screamed of “fuck off!”. The baby looked at me and I smiled. The baby smiled back. She then looked at her mum who have her nothing but the “fuck off!” treatment and then the baby cried causing the mum to huff and puff. This happened half a dozen times. Now I know only too well how stressful being a parent can be and behind that lack of connection and denial of positive affirming communication there lies a story that only she knows but it made me feel sad. I wanted to shout, “Look at her! Look at your child! Smile at her!” Then I thought of all the times I had been grumpy, overly tired, fed up, upset or even angry and that I could have been that woman on the bus. The wall up around me letting no one in and nothing out. How I used to be when a teenager or early 20’s feeling isolated, alone and scared to face the wall of abject displeasure that I seemed to be met with on a regular basis not to mention the “fuck off” looks. This hostility was usually down to my “attitude” or “rotten nature” a label my Nana proudly gave me. Thanks for that Nana. You always did have a way with words. When I got off the bus, I reached my flat, opened the door, stepped in, closed the door and burst into tears. I calmed myself down and then shortly after a friend called. We were chatting and got into the subject of families and how they have the capacity to push your buttons and get under your skin. After the call ended I decided that there was only one thing for me to do. I needed to go to my place.

So off I went. Walking along the road my thoughts turned round in my head. Why had I gotten so upset? Why did I even feel a slight depression when fleetingly the desire for a drink came into my head? Why do I shut down in certain situations and revert to a sullen teenager? Is it because subconsciously my default position under certain situations or induced feelings is the self fulfilling prophecy of the “rotten nature”?

Walking round Doctor Neil’s I made a point of noticing as much as I could in more detail. Closed my eyes and listened, smelt and touched. I sat in places other than my favourite spots and in doing so found stunning and incredible new things I’ve never noticed before. I love Spring. New life. New beginnings. New hope. A chance to start again. I suddenly felt like a weight had been lifted. Through abstaining and writing I am not burying my deep feelings and questions where they fester and grow like a malignant tumour but I am bringing them up and out and staring them in the face. I am asking what they are and what is happening at that very moment? Usually if I was feeling like I was earlier I would have hit Tesco and hit the bottle but that won’t help me deal with it.

So there I was walking round this glorious place surrounded by nature.

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I walked further down the garden to where the grass reeds meet the loch. It’s an area I don’t visit as much but as I sat looking out across the water I noticed something I hadn’t seen before. A metal plate stuck in the ground with writing on it. I got up close and found this.

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Right there alone in this beautiful special place I felt like this had been placed here for me. Only for me for when I am in a place of despair I do come here into the peace of the wild things. It rebalances me and helps me think clearly. At that moment surrounded by life in all it’s forms, feeling free, feeling calm, seeing the beauty in it all and what it can bring I felt at peace with me and resolved to understand that in the spirit or in the physical that nature is not and never could be rotten.

Nighty night x

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