My Angelic April: Day 17

Up at 8.30. I am not sleeping as good as I would hope to not drinking. Well what I think is happening is because I’ve got more energy and not ready to pass out at 10pm most evenings I am finding myself staying up later so not going to bed till around 1/1.30. Then in the morning because I am so used to rising early since having the kids my body clock struggles to sleep longer than 8.30. Oh well you can’t have everything. Pretty sure the quality of my sleep is much improved as I do have more energy plus I am dreaming much more or at least I am aware of my dreams more. Some of which are highly “entertaining” to say the least.

So up I got, had breakfast, bath, began the ritual of getting ready. Had a check online and was blown away by some of the comments and messages from friends I had received about this blog. The support is so appreciated and has spurred me to continue on. I have the need to say this:

Hello. My name is Laverne. I often drank too much. I decided to stop. I have not had any alcohol for 17 days. I think I’m doing really well. I am going to celebrate my achievement so far with a slice of cake.

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Another place I love to come to is the beach. Edinburgh is such a wonderful city in that it has lush greenery everywhere, an amazing natural volcanic park and the seaside. It might be blustery, chilly and when the temp reaches the early 50’s looks like a scene from Benidorm but it’s still a beach. It’s still the sea. It’s still a gateway to far away lands. It’s nature and nature is always good.

Popped round to see my mum and dad who were on their usual form. The saga of the kitchen blind purchasing carries on. Can’t remember if I have mentioned this before but if I have I apologise if I haven’t you’ve been spared. Suffice to say it would be easier buying the holy grail although last time I looked Argos didn’t stalk them and couldn’t be bothered bidding on eBay.

Back at home and it’s 6pm. Just spoken to the kids who seem to have had a great holiday with dad and his “partner”. Just allow me a tiny grrrr… Although on the plus side dad has been butted in the back by an escaped goat which resides near their holiday home. The same goat then proceeded to bite the “partners” bum. Yes! Nature is very good.

Getting ready to go out with my pal Mark. Although I am looking forward to spending time with him we are meeting in a pub and as I am getting ready I can feel that sinking almost grieving feeling. Why? Usually I would already have the wine poured as I was getting ready. By the time I reached the pub I would have most likely have drank the recommended daily alcohol amount or even more. Right now I’m having a lime cordial. Be strong. Stay focused. Time will only tell how I fare tonight.

I have to admit my journey in was full of apprehension and an almost nervous disappointment at the thought of not drinking alcohol. The old negative feelings accompanied with the voice whispering – ‘you’re not going to enjoy this’ or ‘ waste of time sitting in a pub and not drinking’ and ‘ bet you’re not nearly as happy or sociable’. I got off the bus a stop later so as to get some fresh air and stop, think and find calm. Nature. Find some nature. Find peace among the wild things. I was on Regent Road and there straight in front of me was nature. I had mentioned earlier in this post and tonight, there and then it stood still, silent but all knowing. There since I imagine time began Arthur’s Seat and it’s crags look over the city like a huge protector. It’s hard to imagine it once being an active volcano. Full of fire, reactive energy, heat, destruction and instability.
When I drink I think it makes me a happier, more fun and easier tempered person but I am beginning to see that I am all those things anyway. It’s only self doubt and insecurity brought about decades ago that tricks me into thinking that I need assistance to find these qualities in me. Yes alcohol is social and relaxes you but if I think of some of the reactions, thoughts, responses and decisions I have made whilst drunk then suffice to say volcanic would be a good description. I could at times be out of control but it was almost as if I wanted to lose control. Sometimes letting go of control is good but not when it comes with sadness and under the influence of something that does not help me understand or see things clearly. Taking control of me and stopping me being controlled. I would not let a person control me (as much as a few individuals have tried) so why let alcohol? The only person in control of me is me.

So looking out across to this ancient quietly majestic, serene and dependable phenomenon I doffed my imaginary cap to its simple yet complex form and felt again one with nature. I am it and it is me and we are all one with earth at the end of things. I want my journey to be one I can actually remember, be present in and truthfully feel. I entered the pub, ordered a non alcohol ginger beer and met my friend. The evening was good. In embracing my new found sobriety I am beginning to feel my pulse again and it’s strong.

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