My Angelic April: Day 18

Morning- I’m not liking this today! Just woke and it’s almost ten. The kids back today and I’ve got loads to do before they get here. Ugh!!! Right Edmonds! Up!!

I take it back about not liking this day. There is nothing wrong with the day it’s me that is prickly. Looking out of the window all I can see is bright blue sunny skies and that is good. I am excited about seeing the kids later and hearing their holiday tales but first I need to buy a birthday cake and some party food for Beelzebub’s birthday soirée tomorrow night. She asked for a ‘Frozen’ theme but when I suggested frozen pizza, ice lollies and frozen gateaux she did not see the funny side. Humour only works when she is creating it. Pah!!

Noon- Right the best place for me to go is the dreaded Asda. I do not like it there but needs must. Brings a whole new meaning to being amongst the wild things. It does have a post office though and I need to return the “gangsta style rap about domestic abuse” to its owner as it’s in “demand”?!?!?! Allegedly! Yeah probably in the High Court!

I’m sorry but I hate everything about Asda. Although the staff are lovely there is something about its very soul makes me feel morose and depressed. You know how in life things can take a whole different direction just by a small decision. Well my decision to pick till numbed 12 was not a wise one. Finding myself jammed between a mother and son behind me whose tension levels were through the roof and a the most complicated, time consuming and irritating sales in front of me I had the distinct impression I had taken a wrong turning. Walking down that aircraft hanger of a place I had decided on till 12 and now I was stuck there.

Humph!

I closed my eyes and tried to focus on calm thoughts and through the muffled voices and electronic pings of the tills there was one sound I could hear underneath it all: the clanking sound of bottles of wine, beer and spirits. I opened my eyes and looked around. I seemed to surrounded by people stuffing bottles of booze into plastic bags or those wine carriers that carry six at a time. Conveyor belts with bottles standing to attention like little soldiers going into battle. Slowly nudging forwards, shaking slightly together as the belt moves along causing them to clink together. Christ! Everywhere I looked there were people stocking up on alcohol. Twenty minutes later and having done two trips to return items I had decided against buying ( well I had to do something to relieve the queue boredom) I made it through the checkout and headed home.

2pm- Heard nowt from the kids so texted to check all ok. They are going to back later than planned due to traffic on the A1. Oh well maybe a trip to Doctor Neil’s would be a good call. Yup I think so.

Mid afternoon- This was one of my better decisions today. Coming here could never be a wrong decision. Glorious! Walking down towards the physic garden (that has herbs straight out of a medieval wise woman’s healing book) I stood looking out over the loch.

20140418-170429.jpg

There was a water sprinkler in full throw and as I stood there I was sprayed as it went round in it’s cycle. It felt lovely. Cool, calm and clean. Sitting there I wondered where the kids were in their journey home. I’ve missed them muchly and am looking forward to lots of cuddles.

6pm- The kids returned almost 3 hours later than originally planned. Now I know hold ups happen but when I had enquired at 2pm via text after having heard nothing of their departure from Yorkshire if all was ok and was there an expected arrival time Maximus informed me that my enquiry was met with a sarcastic remark from the “partner” along the lines of, ” What does she think? That we left at 6am!?” Well excuse me for checking my kids were safe and well. I smiled and said nothing digging my nails into my hands as if in some kind of sympathetic Good Friday gesture. I turned and walked into the kitchen, picked up my glass of water and downed it willing it to be vodka then felt two arms round my waist and heard the voice of Maximus , “I thought it was kinda mean her saying that.” I turned round and hugged him. There was no other words spoken but we knew that between us there was a bond that no one can ever break.

Bedtime- Life is a succession of choices and decisions. Whether it be setting the alarm clock, getting dressed, choosing to speak, who you spend time with, what you eat, what career you choose to take, what colour toothbrush you buy it’s all choice and decision. Sometimes when I feel a real struggle with drinking and have the overwhelming strong desire to want to drink and get drunk it boils down to one decision. I either decide to or not. Nothing complicated. No big secret. Yes or no. When I thought about it like that it almost seemed not to be a big deal. I could have kicked off re the earlier remark but I made the choice not to and in deciding to not give into negative feeling it possibly gave Max the space to make his own decision. I know there’s more complicated stuff behind it but in terms of choosing to drink alcohol it is solely my decision and I can choose to or not. At this time in my life the decision to not drink is a small response but with a hugely empowering action. I never thought deciding could feel so good.

Nighty night x

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s