My Angelic April: Day 19

No long lie ins when the kids are back. 7am wake up!!! Managed to dose on and off till nearly 8.30 so just about bearable. It’s the day before Beelzebub’s birthday and there is a busy day ahead. Birthday dress purchasing, shopping, dropping Maximus at my folks in preparation for Beelzebub’s birthday soirée tonight. Four friends coming over for nail, painting, hair and make up, cake, pizza, popcorn and DVD. A generally all round girly time.

Better get up because I can hear Maximus raiding the sweety tin. Feck!!!

23:44- I do not know where to begin? Quick lunch at the Lady Nairn followed by depositing Maximus on the bus down it my mum and dads. It was his very first time alone on a bus and although he was a only going five stops it seemed for both of us like it was the other side of the world. He was ok though and called me on my dads mobile ( well my dad couldn’t use it) as soon as he was at the stop. He had decided to sleep over at theirs as five girls together was not his scene. Can’t say it was mine either.

So that left me and Beelzebub. I wanted to buy her a birthday outfit and get pizzas for the soirée and as much as it pains me to say it Asda had some nice girls clothes so off we went. Asda two days on the trot? This sobriety is going to my head.

So 2 pizzas, 1 top with leggings, a flower hair band, 3 bangles, pack of toilet roll, 1 tray of fruit, 1 light bulb, a tub of cocktail sausages, 1 net of baby belles and a pint of milk later we reached home. Now to say that things were terse between us was an understatement. We had come to blows in changing room number 6 and the do was nearly a don’t on three occasions. I am a strong person a lot of the time as I think I am proving with alcohol but when it comes to my kids? I’m a bloody push over. Queen of the empty threat. Never follow things through and Beelzebub knows it and she plays on that weakness to her own ends time and time again. By god she knows how to push my button and even though I felt like I could have run out of that changing room and kept going I love her completely.

So the flat is ready, food prepared, balloons inflated, my party spirit somewhat deflated and one party birthday girl ready for action.

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My friend Dri arrived to be another adult ( well she is already an adult but you know what I mean) and it was really great to have her with us. All the friends arrived at 6pm so the madness commenced. The invitees were great actually is was Beelzebub that was on another planet. I’m sure she was a town cryer in a past life or the secret love child of Brian Blessed but then I should know that shouldn’t I?

* stops, thinks about last statement and shudders*

After much cake eating, juice drinking and parcels torn open like a lions feasting on a gazelle with the presents inside tossed to the four winds in an unappreciative fashion the girls left, Dri went for her bus and Angelina was convinced to go to bed. She went down after fourth plea and out like a light.

I sat down with a cuppa. Exhausted. Slightly fed up. Completely sober. Why do Angelina and I clash like we do? As I look at the clock I see it is now after midnight. My little girl is now 7. I think back to 2007. Enormously pregnant, sore, diabetic, tired, fed up, wondering what the hell I was doing, feeling scared, about to get lost and worried about not being able to cope with a new baby and a 19 month old toddler. This pregnancy hadn’t been planned. It was a great shock. I had lived in the toilet pan for the first four months. My body felt like it was being split in two. I was injecting insulin. I was never away from the hospital. I had spent so much less time with Max during this pregnancy because of all the complications and I felt guilty. Ah that truly awful emotion… Guilt. It is so destructive. I had felt guilty at the start of the pregnancy because I hadn’t planned it and wasn’t sure I wanted to be pregnant. I felt guilty for not seeing Max so much. I felt guilty for drifting away from Nick in the evenings as the only way to alleviate the sickness was to lie down. I felt guilty as I opted for an elective section due to my first labours complications and didn’t want a trial of labour. I felt guilty as I knew before she was even born that I was not going to even attempt breast feeding because of my previous experience with Max. I felt guilty because against the odds I formed an instant bond with her much to Nick’s chagrin. I felt guilty for ever having an hour to myself. I felt guilty dreading Mondays and Fridays when the three of us were alone together all day. I felt guilty for going back to work then I felt guilty for enjoying it. I felt guilty when I rejected any sexual advances for fear of falling pregnant again. I just felt guilty. Guilty! Guilty! Guilty!

Standing in that changing room today I felt the walls close in on me and the overwhelming sense of entrapment. Then I immediately felt guilty. Beelzebub is an over confident, boastful, egocentric, opinionated, domineering, hurtful and astute creature. Hmmm… Sounds very familiar! But Angelina is a loyal, creative, kind, generous, funny, caring girl. We all have good and bad behaviours and strive to find the balance between the two. Reflecting on what are the triggers to tip from one to the other is an ongoing challenge. I look at her sleeping. Lying on her back in a star shape, left thumb in mouth, hair over face, making her little snuffling sounds and I cannot imagine ever having a negative thought about her. I remember how I felt when she was born. Even though delivered by C Section she also required forceps. She wasn’t for budging. She needed a persuasive forceful yank and through all her bravado, precociousness and demands she is just a little girl. What’s more she is my little girl and by Christ I love her. Happy birthday my angel.

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Nighty night x

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