My Angelic April: Day 22

Today I visited Gilmerton Cove. An underground series of rooms and passage ways carved out of the rock. It was incredible as to how these chambers were carved by hand hundreds of years ago. No one knows really the story behind them. Were they part of a Masonic lodge, hiding place for the Covenanters, used for pagan ritual or actually a dwelling place? One thing though you never know what’s just 10 feet under you.

Just like you don’t know what’s inside other people or yourself sometimes. I had a long chat with my friend Dri today. She asked me how I was feeling about the 1st of May coming up. Honestly? It terrifies me. I truthfully feel that I cannot just have a wee drink as I know the feeling I get from it will make me want more and more. I don’t think I’m ready to introduce alcohol again next month or maybe even never. I don’t drink alcohol to enjoy the wonderful bouquet of the wine or the dazzling flavour of the Bloody Mary I drink for the effect. I drink to get drunk!

Why drunk? I started to talk about things in my life and I had a realisation. It comes back to the “rotten nature” quote last week. If you’re told enough times no matter how glibly it becomes real. When you’re feelings and responses are not validated by the people closest to you then it’s easier just to downplay them and accept what they say of you. Sometimes when I drank I did it thinking that I became a more easy going person. So with my children, my family and ex husband I would be less stressed and forget about the negative feelings I could get. What I was doing was not allowing these feelings to really be present. I was denying my own feelings as had been done to me as a teenager and young woman.

Being sober these feelings are still there but rather than hiding them in a glass of wine or reacting to them in an over emotional mess I am facing them. I might not have all the answers yet to the puzzle but I have all the pieces, almost. When we are born we are a whole person. Unspoilt. Unblemished. Shiny and new. Life adds the light and shade, the texture, the peaks and troughs, the colour, the memory. Sometimes life can break you apart and you feel scattered. You try to find your pieces. Some are easy well within reach. Some are more difficult and you need to work harder to get them. Some seem so out of reach that you can only dream of finding them. As we live our life we change as people just like a moving puzzle. Sometimes the shape becomes so unrecognisable that we forget how it all fitted together in the first place. I realise I have been that scattered puzzle for what seems like forever. Being sober day after day after day is giving me a new clarity. It’s liberating but also can be difficult but I am beginning to see that I’m a pretty alright person really. I am grabbing my pieces back and am working ever so hard right up on my tippy toes to find the out of reach ones because they are me. I don’t want to be the same finished puzzle I was at the beginning I can’t be. I want to fit the pieces together, look at the whole me I am now, accept it, embrace it, like it, love it, respect it and give it a big thumbs up.

Nighty night x

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