My Angelic April: Day 23

Some days when I sit down to write my daily post I think, ‘What the hell will I say today?’. When I get started though I find the words naturally come. My kids came back to me tonight. After the separation and subsequent divorce of me and my ex we have shared care. The kids with me Wed- Sun am. That brings with it its own set of problems. Regardless of what happened between me and him I am pleased that he wants to be so involved with them and whatever I think he is the best Dad he can be. Just like I try to be the best Mum I can be. I suppose I just don’t believe that as much. I feel like I am living two different lives. Three days of the week I am single  woman free to do what I want and go where I want. The other four days I am a single parent. When the children come back it can be hard to adjust to the intensity of family life again. It all seems too condensed too quick. I blink and they have gone. I blink and they are back. All the time in-between these transitions I can feel a bit lost.

I love my friends and am blessed to have the most wonderful group of people that I am privileged to call my friends. They mean the world to me and I invest a lot in these friendships. I love to spend time with them and find them invaluable as listeners, confidants and supporters. I only hope that I in turn give them the same happiness they give me. I do however, like my own company. I enjoy the experience of living on my own ( albeit part of the week) and even with the children being in sole control of my little domain is both liberating and empowering. When I close the door it is my sanctuary, my space and a place of safety for me and the kids.

Growing up I never had that private space. Now if I had been one of many siblings I could understand it but I am only child. I was either sharing my mum and dads room because some lodger was in mine or permanently sharing a room with a woman 61 years my senior. So I found my private space completely in my head. It became a sacred place that was only for me unfortunately with having a very domineering presence in my life and no one having the courage to try to abate that apart from me but getting no support in it I would play out scenarios of what the fantasy end result would be if I stepped up and opened my mouth like the moment in a film where the baddie finally get his or hers comeuppance and the goodie eloquently puts them in their place much to the whoops and cheers of the audience.

I can feel overwhelming anger a lot. Especially when I feel there has been an unfairness or injustice. I want retribution. I want that person to understand what they have done wrong and pay for it. Bloody hell, when I write that it makes me feel like a right vigilante. I get a huge sense as well of being thwarted. Oh why did this have to happen or everything would have been fine if x,y or z had done this instead of that. Not all the time but when I find myself in a situation that is difficult, pressured or stressful that results in something I feel as being unfair not only for me for someone else I care about I can become like a dog with a bone. I can’t let it go. I need to speak but what I really really want is for the other person to hear. All my life growing up I never felt listened to apart from with my friends. My opinions if different from what the consensus was in the house was not celebrated or my free thinking encouraged it was belittled, slammed and disregarded. So I suppose coupled at times with other feelings of disregard, unimportance or downright verbal aggression  I grew an inner rage inside of me that sadly has stayed with me into adulthood. Trouble was I didn’t lie down to it. I fought back. Suppose that’s why I find it hard to let go of some things because I fight to be heard. All I wanted sometimes for my Nana was a simple sorry for she had reacted over the top or insensitively but it only ever came through gritted teeth to save my Mums feelings, the only person she cared about as I overheard her say once. Nice!

Lordy! This is a bit heavy  tonight but I actually feel a true understanding of why I can very quickly tip into feelings of anger. None of us get the reactions we would design for us in a perfect world. That’s part of life. That’s part of the journey that reshapes us and makes us a constantly changing being, adapting, ebbing and flowing, breaking apart, coming back together, imploding, exploding. Hopefully when you are growing up those loved ones around you will encourage individuality, independent thinking and choice. They will listen to you and want to hear what you have to say. They will support you, nurture you and love you unconditionally. I suppose I didn’t always feel those things ( not all the time but consistently enough to bring me to where I am today) so when I feel hurt, let down, that something is unjust or unfair I don’t react from a place of security I react from a place of fear and it takes me right back in an instant. So where does alcohol fit into this. I started drinking socially at 15. I enjoyed the feeling of abandonment and being carefree. I thought foolishly that I was more likeable. Even back then when I did drink I drank to excess usually ending in some sort of pathetic vomiting. It was as if I was trying to lose me. Trying to be someone else.

Not drinking as I have said is giving me clarity on so many areas of my life. I am beginning to enjoy being me sober. I am finally really living.

Nighty Night x

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