Ok so today has passed in the blink of an eye. I can hardly believe that after tonight I will have six posts left of my Angelic April. I have come to a decision though. I am finding writing really liberating and want to carry on with it. Now I don’t think I will continue with one per day but I would say two or three a week would be very manageable. I don’t think my Mum really gets the abstinence thing. She talks about it as if I have decided to give up asparagus or watching Countdown. Don’t think she understands or wants to admit to understanding how much alcohol had been a part of my life. I am using the past tense but I should say ‘has’ because no matter if I don’t ever drink again it will always be a part of my life it’s just that I will be in control of it.
Today’s daily abstinence help page talks about how you feel about yourself and if you still carry the identity of a drinker. If you do does that identity connect to your goals and dreams? It’s true the more I value myself, the less likely I am going to make excuses to drink like I used to. Drinking alcohol or in reality getting drunk gave me an identity I thought would make me feel comfortable, at ease with myself, less judgmental, more relaxed and easier going. I am now beginning to see that NOT being these things wasn’t a defect in me. I could and can be all of those things, It’s just difficult to see them through all the jaggy nettles. So the self medication of alcohol acted as a tranquillizer, a numbing agent, an antiseptic lotion to the battle scars I had collected and left me the person I felt I was and didn’t want to be. My drinking developed in those years when the battle lines were drawn, sides were chosen and horns were locked.
So it is time to examine if I was and am being true to myself or imitating a lifestyle that felt comforting and safe. I can’t hide anymore. I shouldn’t have to. It’s time to cut those nettles away.
“Insist on yourself. Never imitate.”
– Ralph Waldo Emerson
Nighty Night x