I really am not sleeping that great at all. Staying up far too late then not staying asleep once I finally drift off. Maybe this is part and parcel with this whole thing. You would think that your body would just react positively to abstinence but I suppose when you have become so acclimatised to drinking that your body needs to find its own way back. Sometimes I think is it possible that I am being over dramatic about the whole thing. Hey its no big deal! This has all been relatively painless so to speak! However, today 27 days in I had two feelings of need for a drink. Correction need to feel drunk. Just after the kids had left I had a feeling in me that I wanted to feel wasted, tipsy, drunk. Was that because I felt sad that they had gone, or that it was freedom to let loose, or something deeper?
My delete key on my laptop isn’t functioning properly and is making me feel a tad irate. Maybe it means something. Alcohol can be used like a liquid delete button. It helps you temporarily forget stuff you feel you want to shelf or not deal with. The trouble is it still exists in time. Now I am not going to go all Doctor Who here ( particularly as I don’t cope well with time travel as it confuses the hell out of me) but everything has existed at some point in time. Every feeling, every word, every breathe, every heart beat is there in time. It can’t be ignored or deleted. Drowning or numbing with alcohol is like pressing the pause button. It stops whatever it is you are trying to forget or not deal with at the time but once it wears off it’s all still there but even worse you have to face it with a hangover. You can’t go back and change things as much as you would like to. If I did have a time machine could I make it all different? Well first of (and I refer to my Day:11 1980’s bullet point song list) I would go back to December the 8th 2013 and make a very different choice. Go back to 2002, 1999, 1985 back and back and back to lots of times and make different choices. Again its choice and decision. Simple! The trouble is that you only want to change certain things because of what you know now but if you went back and changed fixed or significant points in your life they would only be replaced with some other decision that would have a knock on affect for your life and no doubt lead to other things in time you wish you could go back and change. You could back and forth that much with your magic sonic delete button changing all the things you are not happy with that eventually you lose sight of what reality is and who you really are.
Every second that passes in my life has led to this point in time. This moment. This truth. I can’t change what has been. If I did then I would change who I am now. Being completely sober at ALL times doesn’t take away the fact that I can feel let down, angry, hurt or sad but it makes me look at these feelings and understand that they are real emotions and I am feeling them for a reason and I am allowed to feel them. They are valid. I am valid.
Being sober at ALL times for me is like finally pressing PLAY.
Nighty night x