I remember a joke my mother would try and get as much mileage out of as possible. I could see the glint in her eye when an opportunity arose and her excitement as she started to put it into action.
Usually in relation to marriage and the length of hers or whoever was talking about it she would without fail say:
‘ I know it seems like only yesterday and yesterday was a bloody awful day!’
Every time. People would laugh I would also through gritted teeth and I huge sinking feeling inside. So what I would like to say is
– yesterday was a bloody awful day!
Without going into all the ins and outs the anger that manifested and subsequent black countenance that accompanied it could have been my 14 year old self. At that age though I didn’t drink and used other crutches to vent it which I found myself doing yesterday. Usually I would have glugged the wine or vodka back in attempt to “soften” myself up. The interesting thing about not using alcohol is that you are just left with you. The real you who sometimes I don’t like much. I am preparing to work on The Edinburgh Literary Pub Tour starting at the end of this month and am in the midst of learning my part. There is many references to the duality of Edinburgh in terms of the squalid, deprived and debauched old town and of the more refined gentile monied new town and the influence this had on literature. There is a section on Robert Louis Stevenson’s ‘Jekyll and Hyde’ a famous and extreme example of duality. To quote:
‘ All human beings, as we meet them, are commingled out of good and evil’
Now those words are for the purposes of story telling and let’s face it ‘Jekyll and Hyde’ isn’t a Mills and Boon but there is much truth in it. We are all made up of different elements. We all have the capacity to love and hate. We are complex creatures with thoughts and feelings that even we ourselves keep buried deep and never fully understand or embrace them.
One of Maximus’s friends mum (who rescued me in an emotional sense in the midst of the school spring fayre yesterday when she asked, ‘How are you?’ And I crumpled into a soggy mess) described me as a furrower. Now I’m not sure that is even a word but she accompanied it with hand gestures like that of a mole so I took from it she meant digging underneath the surface. She did speak too as I realise I’m describing her as if she has selective mutism! She is right. I may sometimes find that under certain circumstances I can quickly change from a even keeled mood to an angry impatient and intolerant one in a nano second but on reflection I try hard to understand what the triggers were and now not drinking I need to face it head on. I unlike Doctor Jekyll cannot put my mood change down to a drug compound. Yesterday made me think about my relationship with my family and when I allow myself to think really deeply with a clear alcohol free head I understand so much more. It doesn’t of course solve it but truly understanding and unearthing that young girl and helping to free her from the jaggy nettles is starting to build a strength I didn’t know I had.
To learn to love you need to be shown love. How does a child learn to love? Predominantly from its mother, father or those close who nurture. If those that nurture look to the child to show them love first then that child might only feel conditional love. No matter what mistakes I may make along the way I will always strive to ensure my children know unconditional love.
Nighty night x
Ps 41 days