So I have reached 10 weeks now. That’s a total of 70 days of alcohol abstinence. My original aim of 30 days has turned into something I never really thought I would do or even manage. So is this me now; a teetotaller? Do I even need to give myself a label? Surely by doing that I am giving my relationship with alcohol an identity. I mean if I think of myself as “Laverne, the teetotaller” then I cannot ever be me without the alcohol even when I am abstaining? But what happens when I try to ignore that. Refuse to let it define me. Deny its existence. The fact of the matter is that it still creeps into my head at certain points. Someone asked me today to keep a certain date free regarding a party and I instantly had that sinking feeling when I pictured myself there not drinking alcohol. I still define myself socially as a drinker. I just wonder if that will ever go. For me the fact that that is the first thing to enter my mind reassures me that continuing to abstain is best for me at this time. Maybe when I stop thinking like that then I will no longer be defined by whether I drink or not.
I am enjoying not drinking though. I feel better for it. I think I even look better for it. I am also more focused. So on top of that I have decided to carry on with the health kick and reintroduce some fitness stuff. Now usually when I attempt any exercise I end up with in A & E or a physio. It’s the curse of having hyper mobility. Great for a party trick. I mean who isn’t impressed by a woman landing in the splits whilst supping from a pint of lager that is held in the hand of her right arm that is twisted round the back of her head so the glass is coming from the left? Exactly!
Well those days are well and truly over but I am prone to over stretching with ligament and joint pain as a result. Hey ho! I’ll ease myself in gently. I walked a fair distance today. Through Holyrood Park and of course ended up at my favourite place. Into the peace of the wild things. There is something mystical and ethereal about being amongst plants, flowers and wildlife after a rain shower. You can feel the moisture hang in the air, the birds tend to sing even louder, the rain water dripping off the edges of leaves as it glistens in the evening sun. It is as if everything stops or hides whilst it is raining then once it stops everything comes back out to play.
I love being there on my own. It feels like all existence is incapsulated in this walled garden and I am the only human being. It in no way feels scary or sad quite the opposite. I was heading back up to the gate ready to make my departure when for some reason I looked over a section of wall on the manse side which looks onto an open field like area. Not sure why? There wasn’t anything of significance but as I did I felt a huge warmth engulf me. I turned round and was flooded with sunlight. The evening sun had broken through the clouds and was beaming down. I stood there and closed my eyes. Feeling it’s warmth and sensing it’s light. This suspended orange globe emanating it’s light seemed all knowing. For millions of years it has given life to us. All the living things in that garden needed it and as I stood there basking in its presence I felt comforted and for a split second understood. What I cannot say but somehow I had a sense of understanding which instantly resulted in emotion. Not sad but happy. All very intense! My epiphany was probably the result of inhaling some hallucinogenic herb from the nearby physic garden. Who knows but all I will say is * taps nose with finger and winks* I know you know….
Nighty night x