Yesterday brought some thoughts up. Firstly for some strange reason I’d been thinking about alcohol when there was no real reason as to what had provoked it. Maybe something subconscious or a memory was tapped by a passing comment, fragrance, song on the radio I don’t know. I was going out in the evening and sometimes whoever I’m going out with or where I am going perhaps triggers a deep rooted feeling. I mentioned it to my mum in passing during a phone call and her response was one that only she gives.
‘Have a couple and stop at that and then start again tomorrow.’
But why? I don’t get it. My brain link to alcohol isn’t set to having a couple then stop. Oh yeah I’m sure I could have managed that last night because my tolerance would have been low so I would have got drunk on two drinks and there the jobs a good ‘un but every time I do that the tolerance would become higher until getting the hit I wanted would require more and more alcohol because I’m not addicted to alcohol as a liquid I’m addicted to the feeling of being drunk.
I did explain that ( think she is still in a little bit of denial or can’t break from her alcohol “feeder” like ways) and said that she admired me for my courage and strength. To hear my Mum say that of me made me feel good. I mean don’t get me wrong she is endlessly supportive but in a patronising, talking to me like I am 10 kind of way so to hear her praise me for who I am as a person and some positive qualities in me also rather than in a superficial physical appearance sense meant a lot.
So I went out and was met with the friend trying to gently persuade me to have a glass of wine. ‘Go on one won’t hurt’, ‘Doesn’t it make the food taste better?’ and ‘Is it for medical reasons?’ What amazed me is that the more they encouraged me to have a drink the more I truly felt that I didn’t want it. I suppose with this person I didn’t feel that I wanted or needed to explain to them the deep reasons behind my abstinence and also why would I have come this far ( just over 14 weeks now) and ruin it all with one glass of wine? That wouldn’t do on many levels but the real leveller for me is the fact that one glass for me wouldn’t have cut it and I’d want more and that wanting is the thing that got me in to this in the first place. Sure as I said before I could have got away with one glass last night but then I would allow myself that the next time and then next then thinking I am in control I up it to two glasses then three then a bottle then……
‘I could have got away with it!’
What does that statement say? Makes it sound like I am leaving a crime scene. It’s not a crime to drink but when it stops you from really being you and really feeling then that is criminal. I like feeling. It’s truthful. It’s real. It’s life.
Whilst taking a sneaky stop in my favourite place this wild thing burst up on to land and waddled over to me.
I then proceeded to play hide and seek with it. Bless it’s little feathery self.
Till the next time x
Ps 106 days