Sometimes it’s hard to just begin. Like this post. I don’t know where to begin or even what to say. So I’ll start with ending. The mad intensity of the Fringe is over and like with most things intense the ending is a huge come down. Like coming off a drug or stopping drinking. I helped my friend pack his show away today after he had performed it daily (marvellous it was too) since the start of the fringe. The corridors which formed the back stage areas were a microcosm of the fringe. Various performers milling around packing things away some still in what looked like their costumes, some still putting on “a show”, flyers lying everywhere, fire exit doors propped open, many goodbyes and strangely a group of Chinese Children in full costume and make up waiting to perform in what was to be their only Edinburgh performance sadly due to a venue mix up. Everything had a sense of finality to it. The party was over and it was time to call it a day. The skies were grey, the air was decidedly chilly and the autumn leaves were beginning to fall. Was Edinburgh trying to tell us something? Whatever it was it was making me feel melancholy. Formerly I would have reached for a bottle or red ( and the rest) to help lift the gloom of the end of something but not this time. This time I returned to the peace of the wild things. I hadn’t realised how much I missed it until I was there again. My usual frequent visits had decreased into weeks in between. The fringe really does take over your life. What comforted me was that through all the hustle and bustle of the past month my special place was just as I had last left it. Almost stuck in time albeit a little more russet in colour. I was safe amongst the peace of the wild things. Here I am free to be.
Saying goodbye can at times be incredibly difficult and we can dig our heels in refusing to let it go. I would drink for that very reason. It was an excuse to get pissed or maybe thinking that numbing myself with alcohol would help ease the pain of departure. Once again alcohol stopped me from being. It is part of life to feel loss, sadness or grief. I need to allow myself to feel pain for how else can I truly understand and accept happiness, joy or pleasure. I have found all these things and without an alcohol anaesthetic can truly appreciate and enjoy them all. It isn’t selfish to be happy it is an act of kindness to yourself and in turn for others. Sometimes happiness comes hand in hand with sadness but things don’t ever truly end they just change into something else. It goes on. I want to end here amongst the peace of the wild things.It is in fact a wish that I have let known to my closest friends but it won’t be my end it’ll be the beginning of a new phase as life continues to live around me.
Yes it certainly felt cooler, crisper with a nip in the wind and darkening skies but through that autumnal change with withering and ending I found beginnings too.
Accepting joy and not seeing it as something I should feel guilty for takes work as does embracing change and allowing it to breathe and form into a new beginning. It’s these moments of pleasure that enrich our lives. Let me feel them.
Nighty night x
Ps 147 days