My Outstanding October: Day 1

Today is a milestone. Today is significant. Today I am proud. Today it is 6 months since I drank alcohol. Half a year. It is also the two year anniversary of physically leaving a bad marriage. I’m not sure what I expected really. To be woken up by a fanfare, party poppers and hoorays perhaps? Alas no nothing so commemorative . I just woke up with the morning still dark outside, not a sound and the feeling of disappointment that it was time to get up. Well life goes on doesn’t it. It’s not a pop video. So the day unfolded into a rather trying one and one that six months ago would have been finished off with a bottle of wine and a few vodkas which would have resulted in a monumental fog of self loathing and indulgence. You know the kind of day. Not one huge catastrophic event but just a fair amount of smaller ones of varying forms that chip away and before you know it you’re in the fog trying to find a way out. That way out for me used to be alcohol. Today though I didn’t feel the pull to alcohol. There was one or two fleeting moments but it was more like residual memories and they passed as quick as they came. As I left work I began to feel happier and relaxed as I spoke to a very special friend and felt content knowing what beautiful people I am blessed with in my life. I walked a good way, jumped on a bus and then it happened. I was aware at a particular bus stop of a lot of people getting on. A middle aged woman with short grey hair moved up towards the back where I was sitting. I noticed her start to sit opposite but in the blink of an eye she looked at me and moved so as to sit side by side to me. I felt her briefly turn her head towards me then away again. Nothing more, nothing less. A friend then called my mobile which I answered. The conversation was around a subject we were both finding difficult with in a work capacity but all of a sudden there on the bus I couldn’t find the energy to talk it through. I suddenly felt heavy, tired and weary of the day. The conversation ended and I put my phone away. At that moment in a split second like a soliloquy I had a memory and the memory become desire and the desire was to be drunk. I don’t even think I was conscious of what I was feeling or needing in that moment. Then it happened. The woman who had sat next to me, the woman whom I had somehow been subconsciously aware of fleetingly, the woman who had merged into nothingness like the other passengers during my journey turned round and spoke to me,

‘ I know you’re hurting’ she said. ‘ you need healing’

I just stared at her, my breath held. She saw it in my eyes and I saw it in hers that she could see in my head.

She touched my arm ,

‘ It’s ok I see these things.’

‘ How do you know?’ I asked

‘I just do. I feel you hurting, your heads buzzing. I’m going to go up the hill and send healing to you. You are healing’

I suddenly felt overwhelming emotion and started to cry on the bus as I watched her get off just near Arthur’s Seat. I could feel the other passengers looking at me but the tears kept coming. Everything happens for a reason. There was a reason she got on the same bus as me. I’m not sure if I believe her sixth sense or not but her words not only provoked emotion but strangely reaffirmed my strength. Sometimes I don’t feel strong and then I fear I’m letting people down. Through embracing my weaknesses though I can recognise my strengths. We all need to heal, we all have wounds and scars from life but it’s allowing yourself healing that is the difficult thing. We battle on without taking a breath. Through abstaining from alcohol I feel confident that through time I continue to heal and without the fog blocking the path forward I can navigate a clear and positive way into the future whilst allowing myself to be present in the now.

Nighty night x

Ps 183 days

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Me with two of the most special people I am blessed with in my life.

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