My Outstanding October: day 14

I went to my first party since stopping drinking. It was a fancy dress party. I turned up not in fancy dress carrying a large bottle of Appletizer and a packet of munchies – not rabbit flavour I might add. If that confuses the hell out of you I refer you to My Angelic April: Day 9 entry which should help clarify ( plus it’s a nifty way to get older posts re read). Question: Did I feel in the party spirit ( excuse the pun)? Answer: No I did not. I couldn’t quite work out what it was that was producing this niggling unsettled feeling at the back of mind. At first I thought I was perhaps coming down with some sort of lergy or was I just incredibly tired? All I knew was I wasn’t feeling my usual self. After a while I decided I just wasn’t in the right frame of mind to participate fully so I made my excuses and left. As I started to walk from the flat I realised it was the not drinking alcohol that was making me feel deflated but why? I have achieved six and a half months of sobriety and have managed to not be in situations that cause me difficulties in coping with how I may feel. I’ve been out in pubs and restaurants where others are drinking and it doesn’t bother me but somehow this irked me. Was it more the others at the party who were drinking or was it because I wasn’t? No one is forcing me not to drink. It is my decision, my choice but it is an informed decision based on a history of problem drinking which offered me a future very likely to be one of unhappiness and dependency. Sheesh! I can be unhappy enough without exacerbating it with a bloody alcohol addiction. So I thought about it as I sat back home in my flat with my goonie on, cheese on toast, mug of tea and Corrie ready to watch. This was a situation I had experienced for the first time sober. Yes it probably felt a bit strange but I have never attended a party and brought a soft drink through choice. It was most likely natural to feel a certain level of grief in a way for the old me and the old party feelings but what is important is that this new sober me isn’t really someone new but a fresh, clear thinking, honest me that was always there but now I’m not covering myself up in alcohol and hiding behind a wine glass. Yes I’ve still got worries, fears, hang ups and insecurities but I am getting a lot better at accepting them as part of me and working through them. There is no point lying to myself although it is human nature to do so but eventually with the big stuff facing up to it in time becomes the only option. I’m glad I’m facing this and have wonderful support around me but even still I sometimes can feel weak and unsure of myself. At these times I need to look at what I am feeling and give it the space to breath and have its say before it takes its leave. I am being brave and try to give myself the best chance to truly live and feel it.

Nighty night x

Ps 196 days

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