So this is a larf! As I reach 7 months of sobriety today I find myself working at an acting gig as a gangsters moll at a speakeasy full to the brim with illicit liquor. Drink is everywhere and myself and my pal Mark ( the gangster) are given drink vouchers as a perk. As we sachet over to the bar in front of a 12 piece swing band I find out I get two drinks if I’m on softs so order myself two cans of this:
I dared to try it. In fact I was so daring I had two cans of the stuff. It didn’t live up to its promise and I managed half a can and popped the other in my bag to take home. If we were to go back a year it would have been a very different story involving a hip flask of vodka, as much alcohol as I could acquire, a pop to the pub afterwards and most certainly followed with a night cap or four once home. The organiser come up to us at the end of our stint as we were standing at the bar and clocked my ginger beer.
‘ You could of had an alcoholic drink if you wanted?’
I replied that I was happy with the soft option.
‘ Do you not drink?’ She asked.
‘No I don’t’ I stated.
She laughed ‘ I wish I didn’t!’
We all laughed on cue. It was fine. I felt fine. I felt in control of myself, my choices and my thoughts. Not drinking certainly makes one area of my life very simple. There is no swithering, humming and hawing or indecision- it’s just a straight forward – No! For me it can’t ever be , ‘oh I’ll just have a wee one’ because it’s that wee one that fools my brain into thinking I can have another and still be in control and then another and another and before I know it and no matter how much I appear to be functioning I have lost my control and am at the mercy of a wine glass or vodka bottle. So it always has to be I drink or I don’t so now I don’t. Simple!
If only all areas of life were as simple. Some things you can’t turn away from. You know it might potentially hurt but you’ll take the chance regardless because what you’re feeling is through your whole self and has become like breathing and you just can’t do without it. I suppose the trick is not to turn away from you. I could lose myself in alcohol very easily and frequently and feel adrift with my true emotions. Losing myself not just in the emotion but suffocating it under an alcoholic fog. Now sober and fog free the feelings are there for sure but when I feel a little bit lost I can work through onto a new path. It can be scary to face up to what you find when you look but nothing worthwhile was ever gotten easy.
” nothing in the world is worth having or worth doing unless it means effort, pain, difficulty… I have never in my life envied a human being who led an easy life. I have envied a great many people who led difficult lives and led them well”
Life is journey with choices. That is it. That is all.
Nighty night x
Ps 215 days