I have had an epiphany. Not my predicted Scrooge style one dancing through the streets with a new love of the festive season but a more personal, kind, understated one. Tonight I have just felt a huge overwhelming sense of relief, security and peace within me. No matter what life throws I feel I have strength, dignity and self worth.
When stuff happens that is tough and difficult to navigate through I eternally hope for sensitivity ,grace and kindness between each other but sadly that is not always the case. I know in the past when faced with a challenging situation I always felt I had to be the one that changed. The amount of times (usually after some heavy drunken angst ridden night where the marital arguments of the night before were a blur) I would get up and say to myself, ‘ Right! Today I’m going to be different! Today I’ll get it right!’ Truth was that was to please someone else. A someone that didn’t like me as I was anymore and wanted to shoe horn me into what they felt they wanted me to be. I remember the first awful counselling session the ex and I had when he was asked what had attracted him to me in the first place. He answered, ‘ she was funny, confident, I fancied her, she was clever, I’d never met anyone like her before, she was firey’ The counsellor then asked what he thought of all those things now to which he replied, ‘ those are the things I hate about her now!’. Sometimes when all the gloss has worn away and you’re left with a matt finish you realise you are just two brushes sitting in separate paint pots. I should really stop with the painting and decorating analogy but I must be my fathers daughter after all. Not that my Dad has ever used an analogy in his life but he was a painter and decorator.
I don’t want to reinvent myself. I think I actually quite like me just as I am. I used alcohol to try and be what others wanted or what I thought they wanted and in doing that lost myself a bit. I think it’s easy to say that there is a part missing in yourself and I have claimed that all too often but we are who we are. I am as complete a person as I could ever be but in the light and shade of myself I have sometimes hidden bits away or let them be smothered in the shade of self doubt and fear only making the light more difficult to find. What I found alcohol slowly but eventually instilled in me was the inability to find the switch. I got so sick of floundering in the ever increasing shade, moving along narrow corridors with my hands outstretched grabbing in the fog until thankfully, wonderfully my hand hit the switch. I had found me with all my complexities, contradictions and irritations and as I’m the only me I’ve got and I intend to make the most of her. So my sense of relief I think has come with realisation that I don’t need to change. I just need to accept all of me and let the light in and out.
Now with a clear sober head coming up against the tough times can be just as hard and painful but with honest self reflection and a good grace I am finding my way through and I am never losing me again.
Nighty night x
Ps 246 days