My Joyful January: Day 9

What a relief to not be drinking anymore! When life throws up those testing trying emotional hand grenades alcohol for me was always the go to anaesthesia, to take the edge of the trauma and to allegedly help me cope. It is so brilliantly clear to me now that it did none of those things. All it did was cloud my judgement, increase levels of high emotion in turn becoming consumed by it and more than anything drowning myself in self pity and denial but now… now it is different … now I am happy to be sober, now I feel a huge sense of relief.

It can be difficult and takes courage to sit with a negative feeling. To really look at what is the cause and why you are feeling that way. We are fearful of hard emotions whether they be grief, hurt, loss, anger or betrayal. The idea of really going there and feeling them can be terrifying and yet they are all part of everyone’s story. We all at some point will feel one, a couple or all of these negative emotions. Being sober for me is helping me face up to them. I no longer choose to numb them with alcohol so trying to be brave I am facing up to them. Allowing myself the time to go through things and learn how to come to an informed sober understanding of where I am with it. I may not have all the answers, I might never but in how and what I am experiencing at least I know I am present.

Denial is a destructive emotion. Learning to be true to yourself and face up to your demons can only help you to be true to others but you have to want to do it and feel strong and supported in your undertaking. I am blessed on those counts in particular with my friendships. Friendship to me is incredibly important. Sometimes feeling like they are blood. I hope that I am as good a friend to them and if I meet a quarter of their qualities then I think I would be doing alright. Friendship is a two way street but alongside the love, support, fun and shared experiences a true friend will not shy away from being honest with you even if it is hard for you to hear at first but the strong connection you have will always allow for kindness with one another. When a person is unkind or deliberately hurtful for me it says more about them. Let’s face it it happens. People come in and out of our lives in both good and negative ways but those that stay, make the effort, want to support and with whom a lovely connection is made are to be cherished for those bonds are worth keeping. My new sober head has opened my eyes to the important connections worth working for but equally to recognise the ones your life would be richer without and celebrating the empowering relief of closing the door, forever.

Nighty night x

283 days

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