I’ve not had a drink for ten months. Well to be precise I’ve not had a drink for ten months and one day – not that I’m counting. Who the hell am I trying to kid? This whole journey has been one big count-fest! Time for me has fallen into two areas: Firstly, the passing of it and then secondly its accumulation. It’s strange how I want time to get a move on for then I am further away from my dark days of drinking and over the passing of time my desire to drink or be drunk diminishes but also I want to be starkly aware of my day to day achievements by totting each day up and logging it.
I think it is a double edged sword in that sense: the need to become a non drinker and never really think about it but also to be acutely aware of what I have given up from my life. Maybe that can be said for all big life changing and challenging events? We need to get to the point where we do not eat, breath and sleep them but at the same time we know exactly how long it has been since we last saw that person, were in that room, had that last cigarette or supped that final drink. With each passing minute, hour, day and month I remain steadfast in the knowledge that the movement in time away from my last drink is nothing but a positive one. There is no doubt in my mind that I have made the right decision to stop. I can see myself with a bottle of red wine in the kitchen whilst cooking, always topping it up, always necking it back so much so that it barely touched the sides, always the feeling that it was never too much and just a wee drop more wouldn’t hurt. It was always just a wee drop more with me but the wee drop had turned into a fair sized drop and was steadily heading towards a pretty damn big drop and one I was not going to let myself fall into it. I am so relieved that I had the awareness to see where I was heading and have somehow had the strength to do something about it.
In just over a week I will be another year older and in the big scheme of things and on average I will be reaching or could be even past my life’s half way mark. How joyful then to feel that now my life is actually beginning.
Nighty night x
Ps 307 days