Today marks 11 months of alcohol abstinence. I can hardly believe that I am moving closer and closer to a whole year. When I look back at where I was this time last year I can see that the decision I made to stop drinking was the right one for me. I think it’s important to find the positive in every negative and what came to a head last March was what needed to happen in order for me to make this significant change. At the time I thought I needed alcohol more and more to deal with any emotional stuff but something in me knew I was heading into oblivion if I didn’t catch myself soon. I often wonder what it was that gave me the wake up call. Other people talk about reaching their rock bottom and when you hear or read their stories it all seems so much worse than mine. Real desperation through drink resulting in a loss of family, jobs and more but they are sadly the side effects of drinking not the cause. There is always a reason to feel the need to lose yourself in a substance or addiction. It is that part that requires the really hard work. I don’t know maybe I am stronger than I would ever give myself credit for. Something made me fight back before it was too late or so insurmountable that I needed dragged out of it by others or started to lose my life bit by bit.
So what was my own personal rock bottom? Well I didn’t really face up to it at the time but now sober writing and talking about it these past months I can see that how, what and when I drank helped to form my own personal rock bottom. Yes sitting in a public toilet knocking back a can of Marks and Spencer Mojito prior to meeting a friend was not something I had wished for myself in life and episodes like this were becoming all too regular and brought with them a warm familiarity that was starting to become a longing and necessity to enjoy everyday life. Yes a lot had happened in my life and when I look back it probably isn’t that much of a surprise that I found myself latching on to something that helped stop me from really feeling it. Yes the loss of memory was starting to be the norm and brought with it an inner fear of what I was becoming. Everyones life has negative stuff. Jeez I know some people that have faced such hardship and emotional difficulties that addiction to everything would be understandable but yet a lot have no such predilections. What causes a person to be an addict? Is it inherint in your personality? Are you predisposed to it at point of conception? Is it out of your control? What was it in my own self that drove me to anaesthetise myself from me? That is what this past year has brought. I hardly ever feel the need to drink or be drunk now. My addiction with alcohol feels like letting go of a bad relationship. It was that very thing last March which brought about my realisation that my relationship with alcohol too needed to stop. The end of something which had brought negativity into my life had in turn given my the insight to fight for me before I lost myself completely. I honestly think that my hightened emotion full of hurt, disbelief and anger was meant to happen for that was the shock to my system that I so desperately needed. Out of bad came good. I was seeing clearly and I knew what I needed to do. I might always be searching and questioning what causes this or that in me but all I know is alcohol is not conducive to me understanding anything about myself or others.
This year March feels very different. It is the start of Spring which is my favourite season. Everything new, starting again, rebirth. You always have another shot ( not in the tequila sense) but another go, another chance at making the best of life. I wasn’t giving myself the best chance at life whilst drinking. So thank you last March for the emotional roller coaster you took me on. Its difficult trigectory catapulted me whether I liked it or not right to where I needed to be and as I looked at the girl I was losing I found the strength to grab hold of the woman that I could become.
Nighty night x
Ps 334 days