I have come full circle. This time last year I started this blog and called it: My Angelic April. I honestly didn’t think that I would be here for round two of Angelic April but yet I am. I have named each month and now I am back where is started. Back at the starting point. I’ve come full circle. Truth is though I am not back at the start in my journey but I am moving into a new phase. If I look at life as a series of circles with some of them overlapping each other permanently or at varying times then some breaking away and drifting off completely then that is what it feels like. These little circles each with their own trigectory and story to tell.
There are constant circles in life but there are also those circles that come into your life, penetrate your core then either stay or pass through, leaving but always fragments remain in memory. Whether it be a person, an event, a place or emotion these life circles move within each other, changing our life’s dynamic, bringing light and shade and forever evolving. Even when I feel life has stood still for a while it is now, in these times that I try to listen and feel to what is happening and to trust in the stillness and let life breath. Sometimes nothing is a good thing. Well maybe I wouldn’t call it nothing because within nothing there still has to be something surely? I mean space never stops does it. It goes on to infinity. When I say nothing I mean those times in life when we feel less is happening or that too much is and you have shut down because of the overwhelming nature of it or when we are waiting on something which seems so far away and out of reach that the circles spin but you are holding your breath and everything seems off kilter.
Take my drinking circle. That was an integral part of me for all of my adult life and for some time even before but I have managed to detach that circle and let it go and although it will never cease to be it floats out with my core and stays just enough in the periphery for me to be aware of it and to strengthen my core circles if it edges towards breaking through again. So far it hasn’t come close even to penetrating the others but every now and then when I least expect it makes a sudden dash, a surge forward. It happened on Saturday night. I had decided to take me and the kids out for an Easter weekend treat of dinner out. We got ready and hopped on a bus excited with the meal ahead and a stroll around Edinburgh afterwards. As I sat on the bus I thought about what I might like to eat and then without warning I imagined drinking red wine. Now all I can equate this next circle of thoughts to is that of a soliloquy. One thought encapsulated in a long monologue full of metaphor, imagery, thought process etc.
‘ I could have a drink, yes one glass of red wine. I’ve stopped for such a long time and really….. I mean …. I am an adult I could have one if I wanted to. Couldn’t I ? Just one glass of red. One large glass of blood red wine. Why shouldn’t I ? I am I in control! Of course I am !! Just a glass of red wine. That rich red liquid…. Oh I can feel it now warm and tingly. I can feel the sensation it would give me. Imagine sipping alcohol for the first time in over a year. Jeez! I would hardly need anything to feel drunk. Just a few mouthfuls and I’d feel all warm and glowing inside. I’d feel really tipsy. I’d feel drunk and not have had much at all. Yes drunk…. Oh to feel drunk! ‘
Then in a flash the desire to knock back the large glass of red wine and then pour up another and another another became very intense, vivid and in that moment seemed like a possibility. There it was. When the circle had edged forward I chose not to bat it away but stayed with it to see what it would do. It had behaved badly. Trying to trick me into a false sense of security that I was in control then as it felt me listening it went for it all guns blazing. It was clear straight away that I can’t just have one drink because it isn’t the drink itself I crave it’s the feeling it gives and that feeling needs to be accomplished as quickly as possible because then for that time I don’t care about life’s nothing parts. The grey areas. The times we need to be patient. The times when we need to trust in ourselves and in others. The times when we really need to take care of ourselves. The times we need to listen to what is going on for us and give ourselves a break. I know I need to feel all those things because if I choose to numb all that feeling up again then I really would be back at the start. That I would have gone on a journey and found that I had only ended up back at the beginning. Older, wiser and with more understanding but back at the beginning none the less. This journey for me needs to be one way with no going back only moving forward but always remembering where I have come from and remaining steadfast and hopeful of where I am heading.
Night night x
Ps 372 days