I have tried around a dozen ways to start writing this post. I know what I want to say I just don’t know how to start it. I mean take a look at its inspiring title. How long do you keep on investing and hoping before you finally give up and admit that something has gone, faded away, reached its shelf life? Bloody hell this is going to be a barrel of laughs I hear you cry but I don’t mean for it to be sad or depressing. I mean for it to be a leveller and help me to understand and find peace from a given situation. You see alcohol used to be my leveller. Copious amounts of wine and vodka would see me through those tricky times but I never really understood or found peace I just got angry, over emotional and confused myself in such a way that it was difficult to get back on the path again but now… now there is no bottle for me to hide in… now I just have to ride the storm. I may not like it but what I am feeling is what I am meant to be feeling right now in time and I have to allow myself to truly experience it; the good and the bad. I think what I struggle with in life is vagueness, uncertainty, unfinished business but there are two sides to every story and although I might think that the flip side is full of assuredness, clarity and completion it most likely isn’t.
One thing I am learning more and more in life and even more so since stopping drinking is that I can’t change how anyone else behaves or reacts I can only change my behaviour and reactions. Rather than seeing this as a negative I am slowly beginning to embrace it. It’s hard to let something go and not find the peace or the answers you feel you need from it to help give closure but I am learning that we don’t always have the answers and sometimes the flip side maybe doesn’t have the answers either. Which of us do? We are all just muddling through, grabbing onto the hand rails when life starts to dip and shakes us about.
Last week I had a very intense dream. I dreamt that I watched a family drown. It took place in a white country house with patio doors which opened out into a garden that was surrounded by countryside. There was a rectangular pond which was used as a pool. A man, a woman and three young children played and went in and out of the pond. Then one by one they started to flounder. Gasping! Shouting! The adults trying to save the children. I stood at the side edging closer to the water in a vain attempt at help but each one went under and never resurfaced. The last thing I remember was looking at the dark water rippling in the sunlight as I woke up with a start and a sick ache in my stomach. I used my trusty friend Google and did a quick dream definition search. Drowning depicts fear of being overwhelmed by difficult emotions or anxieties. Yup! Makes sense now. This really is not my cheeriest of posts is it but it’s not finished yet. The dream stayed with me throughout the day and into the evening. I replayed it over and over in my head. Why couldn’t I save them? Why did I not seem to really even try? Maybe I couldn’t. Perhaps I wasn’t meant to. Was it possibly that in my dream I had to feel the loss? That maybe by feeling it both subconsciously and consciously that was how I would find my peace?
I don’t think you’d find a person who wants to feel overwhelmed by difficult emotions or anxieties but feelings of pain, sadness and grief are a necessary part of healing and re growth. As difficult as they might be I am the stronger for having let them into my life, choosing not to shun them and allowing them the space to find their own path. These emotions (as intense as they are) are here because I choose to feel rather than dampen my spirit and so too find myself drowning, overwhelmed and spent.
I took myself to my favourite place and stayed a while amongst the wild things. It almost feels like time stands still there. As if you walk into a vortex and when you leave no matter how long you have stayed it is the same time as when you entered. Yet in that frozen time all of life is brilliantly, vividly and infinitely alive. There standing at the edge of the bank looking out over the water watching swans swimming like majestic galleons my feet were firmly planted. There I am solid. There I am strong. There I am alive. There I understand.
Nighty night x
Ps 398 days
Pps. For you x