An axis a straight line, sometimes seen sometimes not that is important in maths, science, art and our survival. Silent, strong and steadfast it steers us through allowing life to just happen somehow managing to keep our momentum going and keeping us on track…. most of the time. Taken for granted we always manage to brush ourselves down and get on with life…. most of the time. Relying on that inner core to keep it together … most of the time. The position of the straight line is vital for life. Take Earth our home, it’s axis on a tilt of 23.5 degrees allows for perfect sun position resulting in moderate seasons with no extreme temperatures. Without this life would not exist. The earth’s axis is essentially constant which is crucial for the advancement of life but what happens if it shifts? You know that expression ‘ to feel off kilter’ well that’s it. That’s me. Somehow my axis has shifted and I feel my rotation has gathered a pace into an erratic super spin. It can take hundreds even thousands of years for tectonic plates to move, planets to alter positions or asteroids to reach earth so 45 years for a polar side step is nothing. A blip even. It must all be relative because right now I feel like a seismic change is occurring within me and this ain’t no blip. Perhaps I have felt like this at different stages of my life but I most likely self medicated with alcohol but this time there is only one trajectory and that is straight through it feeling the full force of nature and all its complexities. I know I have to stay with this until the spinning stabilises and my axis is secured. I know I have to stay with this until I find my way back to me. I must trust in the spin.
The universe is changing all the time both in what we can and can’t see. With every cataclysmic occurrence on Earth our planet, there is fundamental change, reshape and in time regrowth. Sometimes all we can do is listen to Earth and let her do what she needs to do. Maybe we need to listen to ourselves more and let us do what we need to. How often do we stop and stay in the present truthfully? I know I don’t enough but I am learning to do it more. Alcohol didn’t allow me to do that. I realise now that I was petrified to be in the moment because then I’d have to feel the pain or happiness and it could be overwhelming. I am not going to lie in saying that I feel sad. I am going through a sad period in my life one full of uncertainties, confusion and loss. We are conditioned to dust ourselves down, brush ourselves off and start all over again and there is some useful advice in that sentiment but it also stifles recuperation, healing and forgiveness. Recuperation needs time, healing needs kindness and forgiveness needs courage. Forgiving someone can release you, empower you and give you peace but first of all maybe we need to forgive ourselves. Maybe my axis has always been “off kilter” and as the degree increased the rotation gathered momentum until the spin was out of control. I feel like I have been seeking a fixed axis point for forever but can only really see that now. The spin is gradually losing momentum after reaching crisis point and once the prolonged orbital free fall has ceased I hope to find my fixed point to which I can move freely to and fro but nothing will ever be the same again. It can’t be. It shouldn’t be.
Allowing myself to really stay with this no matter what is the only way through. If I feel happy rejoice in it. If I feel sad acknowledge it, let it have voice and breath. If I want to laugh do so heartily. If I need to cry let it out until the tears stop… for now. I can’t speak for others although I have tried mightily in the past and I can only guess at what they think, do or feel so why let others presumptions or assumptions dictate my view of the world and me. I can’t control their actions, beliefs of thoughts, I can only control mine and trust in the process. Only I know my story. Only I know my truth. People can project what they want or what they think they know and again I can’t control that. When my axis stabilises (and I have faith that it will) the seismic change that has occurred will bring with it new form, re growth and acceptance in me. Never apologise for feeling after all only then are we truly alive.
Nighty night x
Ps 453 days
Never forget 😘