White noise. It surrounds me everywhere. It’s in my head the whole time. It’s constant burr surging through my consciousness yet I never really notice it until I close the gate behind me and step into the peace of the wild things. With its natural delicate sounds filling my ears it brings with it a sense of calm, reflection and peace. I don’t think I realise the clutter in my head until I hit the ” please empty” button in there but do we ever truly empty our heads or do we just shift stuff around to make room for more? Sitting there in wondrous serenity I contemplated my nearing immersion back into that other world, one full of noise, commotion and impatience. Back to the white noise burring there constantly in the background like static.
I do find that the universe has a knack of highlighting things to you or showing you a different way. Whether we choose to see it or not might take time, maturity and an open mind but I do believe the signs are all around us. Even if it’s just my interpretation I am finding meaning in things that shows I have questions that I hope can be answered. On Saturday 24th May last year (see last years blog entry) my daughter found a baby starling on the paving stone outside my mum and dads house. It was no more than a week or two old and was struggling to breathe. We called the RSPB and they told us what to do till they got there. A hot water bottle, blanket, some sugar water and lots of tlc did the trick although a couple of times I honestly thought we had lost the poor mite. The RSPB woman arrived and reassured us all that we had saved its life and that it would most likely be ok. We were all very happy and felt something special had happened. That day also marked another significant event for me. Someone I thought I’d never see again reappeared in my life. Something that you thought was over found life again. It was a good day.
A year on from that I found myself once again in the situation of having that person take their leave from me, albeit differently, but gone all the same. At what point do we truly let go? Do we ever or do we just shift the memories and thoughts around till we make new ones and the old are so far removed from the forefront of our minds that we think on them less and less. I could think around it all endlessly however sometimes I find my interpretations can change from day to day depending on what ending I need. I suppose we do rewrite our own stories at times when forging a path through unchartered territory can be quite difficult. But time truly is our best friend and my trust in it has developed far more since not drinking.
Saturday just past my daughter mentioned the baby bird from the previous year, asking me if I thought it was still alive and was it having a happy life. I reassured her that I was sure it was and that she had helped in making that happen. We reminisced about the incident and my thoughts naturally fell upon the other more personal significance of that day. Later that evening the three of us travelled home in a taxi. It was quite late so was dark outside. When we stepped out of the car and I went to put the key in the door my son called me back to look at something on the pavement just in front of the three steps leading up to the front door. I could not believe my eyes. There on the pavement peaceful and still was another baby starling only this time there was no signs of life. My daughter became upset and insisted that we should still care for it and make it comfortable. We did so using some tissues and an empty tea box. The care and emotion she showed was so pure and honest that it quite moved me. What a strange and yet familiar coincidence. Why were we meant to find this again? It of course could just be merely that a coincidence but what if the universe was telling me something. Guiding me through nature to find my peace with that other significance. Last year it wasn’t over, it still had life, a story yet to be continued. This time there was no life left in it. This time it couldn’t be revived. This time I must close the book.
So the white noise continues, the everyday hustle and bustle, life must go on yet the peace of the wild things is always there inside and it comforts me. There the starling swoops and flies, singing strong, heart beating fast, wings glistening in the sunlight. Happy, peaceful and free.
Nighty night x
Ps 474 days