Appraisal Time

It’s been one of those days. You know the kind of ones that you wish you could start again. The kind of ones where nowt goes to plan. The kind where you just feel scunnered with yourself. There’s a good Scots word- Scunnered: feeling disgust or a strong dislike. Charming! Nothing like a good old dose of self loathing to end an otherwise top Saturday. Missing buses, burning Achilles’ tendon, children blaming me for all their woes i.e. Why can’t I make the bus come quicker? Take it up with LRT I say. I hate Worcester sauce flavoured crisps! Are they mad I say. No I’m not wearing a jacket to the tubing party.  Screamed in a way that would break the sound barrier. The scowling looks that could turn you to stone because you said no to them staying up till 10pm. There’s more to it than that though.  A deep underlying sadness today that fills my eyes with tears at every room entry and turns my stomach with every new thought. It might sound very trite writing this from the comfort of my cosy flat with two beautiful healthy children sleeping in the next room, a fridge full of food, hot water and a flushing toilet, an iPhone 6 and iPad Air at my finger tips, Virgin media to watch endless TV, a clean warm bed to sleep in but the every increasing tragedy enveloping the world is moving me in a way it never did before. Yeah we can all sit and spout off about what should be done, and criticise this person and that person, sign this petition ( guilty as charged) and be holier than thou about it all but truth be known I sit there watching the news and reading articles and I don’t know what to do. I feel lost in all of it. If it’s not enough to feel the guilt of being a mother I somehow feel guilt of being a human. We are looking for someone to blame. Just like the vitriol fired at me for the wrong flavour of crisps we look at who to blame for the total devastation wrecking the world. The injustice of it all. The greed of it all. The intolerance of it all. The prejudice of it all. The ignorance of it all. The cruelty, the fear, the hatred and the cowardice. Thing is I can feel all those emotions in myself. We all can but what I do have is choice, freedom to write this or anything else without fear, to be a woman that has been educated because it is my right to be so, to vote in how I feel my country should be governed ( ok that was a long time coming but we got there in the end), to walk anywhere, wear what I want, to think, feel do what I want but always trying to remain respectful and tolerant of others. To just be me. 

We can all have our off days. Our pull the duvet back over our head days. I know it’s all relative but the only thing I am sometimes fleeing is me. I made my escape from my own personal oppressor some time ago but the residual damage can still linger. The voice inside telling me all the bad stuff. That as a human I’m basically not up to the job. When I drank that used to help me numb myself from those feelings but now I have no choice but to listen but by listening (however hard that may be) the residual is becoming  fainter or I can at least learn to aknowledge it and then put it behind me. My little girl said that to me as we were saying goodnight. After chatting about the difficulties of the day she said, ‘ Oh mummy! Can’t we just put that behind us?’ Yes I thought. It was as easy as that. Just let it be, step aside and move away leaving it behind us. Can those desperate poor souls fleeing their war torn countries just put it behind them? Only love, compassion and tolerance can give them the strength to face each new day. I dont know what I can do to make the slightest difference in this ruptured world but what I can do is give love, respect and care unconditionally to my children in the hope that they too can learn to openly give these gifts to others. Let them always know how it feels to be wanted, cherished and loved but by showing love, care and need towards others.  Let them feel secure and supported in all that they do but to always be there for others. Let them know the importance of their thoughts and ideas but to give equal respect to the thoughts and ideas of others. Let them know that they are more than up to the job. None of us are perfect human beings and if we could all be meeting the requirements of the job most days I’d think we’d be doing ok but there are too many in powerful positions that are failing to meet the requirements of the job and that is a terrifying thought. Time to read the job description again. It could be pretty straightforward: 

Post Name: Human Being

Job Requirements:

All applicants must understand that no human being is perfect. We are all flawed. Just do the best you can and not only strive to meet the requirements of the job but inspire others to exceed expectations. 

Nighty night x

Ps 516 days 


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