Remembering: to retain in the memory, keep in mind, remain aware of. Yesterday I remembered something. I remembered how I used to feel when I was getting ready to go out for an exciting social event. The anticipation, the glamming up, the tingling excitement of what might lie ahead and of course who might be there. The choosing of the outfit, the decision about the hair – up or down? The music to listen to whilst getting ready and of course the alcohol. Then I remembered ‘ I don’t drink alcohol’. As I remembered this a great wave of melancholy swept over me and all the good work I had done these last near on 20 months seemed to be as if it had never existed. I was right back at the start and it felt awful. I tried to get through my day but with a sense of impending doom and a definite ‘ I’m going to have a shit time tonight’ attitude. After a very up and down day early evening came and the time to start getting ready but first I needed to buy something. As I was attending a special birthday party I wanted to take the host a good bottle of wine as a gift. I left the house and made my way to the wine shop. Approaching with purpose I placed my hand on the handle, pushed the door and walked in. The shop had spotlighting which seemed to shine on me like I was Virginia McKenna being interrogated in ‘Carve Her Name With Pride’ and the busyness of the shelves stocked floor to ceiling with bottle after bottle after bottle quite frankly overwhelmed me. There I was standing in what now was totally alien territory feeling rather vulnerable and insecure.
‘Can I help you?’came the voice from behind me. I swallowed hard and turned round explaining ( in a rather dour style) that I was wanting to purchase a decent bottle of wine as a gift. The shop assistant was very pleasant and asked me what kind of wine did my friend like to drink.
‘I don’t know’ was all I said.
He then asked ‘well what do you like to drink?
I turned my head towards him and in an even flatter tone I replied,
‘ I don’t drink’.
‘Oh’ said the young man.
Just a tiny word but to me it said so much. It made me feel different from everyone else, apart, unusual, odd even. I agreed on the first bottle he suggested, paid, renaiged on a bag and left clutching the bottle of wine tightly in my grip. When I exited the floodlit shop I was plunged into the now dark night and felt overcome with emotion. I walked back to the house tears rolling down my face. I was remembering a time that I had conditioned myself to recall as being fabulous, the good times, the norm. I was feeling a sense of loss and grief from what had been before knowing that I couldn’t and shouldn’t revisit it again. I was remembering the last time I was in the house where the party was to be held. I had been incredibly drunk on champagne, wine and whisky at one point falling asleep on a sofa in the midst of the party only to levitate into a full dance routine when a favourite song on mine was played. Was I feeling sorrow at the thought of not having the option to relive that again? When I stopped to think about it I couldn’t remember all that much about that evening. Just glimpses of a few funny events that happened namely due to drunkeness. I had been at that last party probably around 6 hours but all I could recollect from it was some vague foggy memories totalling less than a few minutes.
So I gathered my thoughts, glammed myself up, decided for hair down, went to the party taking the bottle of wine in a gift bag, forged a new neural pathway and this morning after waking up clear headed and sans last nights make up I felt better for having done so. It’s fine to remember things we feel sad about because being sad is a valid emotion and it helps us makes sense of what is causing us to feel it. No direction to the new pathway except pushing towards it even if it means touching the negative aspects along the way.
Sometimes remembering although sad is also very personal and comforting. When a person has touched you in a way that lingers and impacted on you profoundly it is often remembering that keeps you close to them even though you may never see that person again for whatever reason. Sometimes remembering is all there is. I remember. I always will.
Nighty night xx
Ps 588 days
Pps. Lady G 😘 Earl G