Woohoo!!! 8 weeks today of alcohol abstinence. I’m finding that a day, sometimes even two pass and alcohol doesn’t come into my mind at all. I did have a craving yesterday but I stayed with the feeling and really thought about it and then I could clearly see where the craving was coming from. When I looked at the circumstances I very quickly realised that alcohol was not a necessary requirement but it was a deep rooted association with another memory that wasn’t fully related to what was happening at that moment but some elements were and that was what was taking me back there and tricking me into feeling I needed alcohol. When I say alcohol I really mean the feeling of being drunk.
So anyway tonight I started on The Edinburgh Literary Pub Tour. I was slightly nervous ( which is a good thing as an actor) but equally was looking forward to it. Now of course I wasn’t to be indulging in alcohol but it was a strange situation to put myself in. Walking from pub to pub, actively encouraging others to drink and being in such establishments was an interesting but happily not too enticing an activity. Starting at The Beehive I had an instant pang of alcohol desire when I first walked into the pub. The familiar smell of a pub. The smell was warming and lovely. They do say that sense smell is the most evocative of all the senses so with that in mind I allowed myself to enjoy the beery aroma and tell myself it was ok to remember it fondly.
The tour went well and group were really lovely and so was the feedback. I have to give a special thank you to my dear friend Mark who was my partner in crime tonight. His support, experience and encouragement has been invaluable. Yes Mark, I am glad you were my first 😉 So roll on Thursday for my next literary outing.
Afterwards we finished at The Cafe Royal which truly is a beautiful pub. A couple on the tour wanted to buy us a drink and I found myself without hesitation asking for an Americano with hot milk. I am finding that I am enjoying not drinking more and more. Still a day at a time though. There was a more tricky point on the tour. At one point the other character offers me a drink from his hip flask. I take it and drink heartily. Now Mark assured me the flask was empty and indeed it was but the strong smell of whisky that still lingered on this metal container filled my senses and when I put it to my lips to do some “drinking” acting it was in that moment I realised; this was the closest I have been to alcohol in 8 weeks. The knee jerk reaction was -YUMMA YUMMA!! And a strong desire to knock a nip back but the desire left me as soon as it had came. Interesting because at this point I am talking about Jekyll and Hyde and the duality of mans nature.
Alcohol does that. Well it does to me anyway. It brings out elements in my personality that are insecurities that are then paraded in a drunk fashion disguising themselves as confident , fun filled traits that in sober reality I can’t live up to and why? Because they are not really me. Alcohol brings out the truth? Well does it? Maybe it brings out some truth but how it is manifested is a false sense of security. I am discovering the truth warts and all with clarity and a fresh pair of sober eyes. I am fighting hard to clear those jaggy nettles and find a clearer, lighter and happier path in front of me.
Nighty night x
Ps 56 days
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